Just Not Feeling It

I am not exactly sure what is the matter with me lately.  I am starting to wonder if I am depressed.  I looked up symptoms of depression and I have several of them.  I feel anxious, tired, cranky, irritable, I can't focus and I cry several times a day. 

I keep hoping that I will snap out of this funk, but it is dragging on and on and it is really getting annoying.  I can understand if I had some life altering event or episode to catapult me into a depression, but I really cannot think of anything.  All I know is that I am finding it harder to complete daily tasks and the work I do manage to get done is lacking in effort and quality. 

I feel sad a lot.  Maybe it is the change in the season?   I hear people suffer from season mood disorders when your sunlight exposure is dramatically less than usual.  If that is the case, then I can't wait until Spring!  It is going to be a long winter. 

Christmas is in a few days.  I don't feel happy about that and I think that makes me feel guilty.  I don't really like the holidays that much anymore now that I am responsible for making them wonderful for other people.  There is a lot of pressure to find the perfect gifts for my kids and I am unsure as to what to get them.  Unfortunately, everything they talk about costs a lot of money and I just don't have it to spend.   I don't like how there is so much focus on "getting stuff" for Christmas.  I don't want my kids to feel like Christmas was a let down because they didn't get more things.  That isn't what the point should be.

I do have some gifts purchased and I thought about wrapping them today.  I looked at them and I had no interest in wrapping a single one of them.  The thought of wrapping them actually made me anxious and it gave me a headache.  They didn't get wrapped.  They are still sitting there waiting to be given some attention.  I suppose I will do it eventually. 

I feel like I'm so out of sorts.  I have never been this behind at Christmas time.  I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I need sleep so badly, yet I lie awake and listen to the rest of the house sleep.  After several hours of trying to push the racing thoughts out of my head, I finally drift off to sleep.  Only to be awoken a few hours later because it is time to get up and drudge through another day.  I just wish I could get a good night of sleep; quiet, uninterrupted sleep.  Maybe that would do me a world of good.